Terribly and Depressingly Shallow

There is something in us (and I don’t know how it got there- is it a part of our DNA? Has our culture influenced us? Is it human nature distorted by the fall of man?) that keeps our relationships and community life terribly and depressingly shallow. We’ve been conditioned to leave each other alone. We walk around on eggshells- avoiding conflict and hard conversations. We see it on TV. We see it in our friendships. I can’t think of a friendship that I have where there isn’t something that I notice about their character or personality or communication style or choices they make that hasn’t bugged me at some point or another. But, with that said, I could only tell you about a handful of times where I’ve had the courage to speak up and say something. Sometimes it’s been out of frustration. Sometimes I’ve said it as a joke. And sometimes, the time has been right and the moment opened up and I shared what was on my heart.

It wasn’t until I got married that I realized how different this is. For my wife and I, the most shocking and unanticipated aspect of marriage was how many expectations we carried in for each other. We actually expected and demanded that each other be different. “You can’t treat me that way.” “You have to be responsible and carry your load of the chores.” The hardest thing about it was that we were both right. We couldn’t get by anymore living the way we’d always lived, communicating the way we’d always talked, treating each other poorly, etc. I expected that she would be different. She demanded that I change. We talked about it. We talk about it. Our marriage wouldn’t work unless we worked these things out. And, the really hard part about marriage is that this process will continue for a lifetime.

But isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be in our church family, too? Don’t we live with expectations for each other? Haven’t we all made the commitment to become different people? Why don’t we talk about it, then?

One thing I’ve learned lately, as I’ve studied the scriptures and examined the early life of the church is that there was a gigantic emphasis put on preserving and maintaining unity. It’s scattered throughout Paul’s letters. It’s huge in Acts. But I’m not talking about a cheap perversion of unity where we all wear smiles and avoid each other (like we see in our churches), but the type of unity that comes when we face hard things together and step into each other’s worlds.

Without stepping in, without getting into messy conversations and saying things that are hard and uncomfortable, we will fail to become God’s people in our fullest potential. We need to recognize what holds us back. We need to invite God to give us wisdom and courage. We need to step in.

***The contributor responsible for this entry is Scott Schimmel. Scott's perspective on conflict is informed by his college experience, and subsequent work at the University of San Diego, an unique blend of Catholic and Protestant students.***